I have read that prisoners of war were tortured by being kept awake for days on end. It is psychological torture, one that doesn't leave physical marks and thus can be denied. And it is very effective. One's will can be broken after just a few days. As one POW described it, the need for sleep is incomparable, more powerful than even hunger or thirst.
So why would someone sign up for such torture? That is what I am currently asking myself. I knew I would lose some sleep after becoming a parent. It is a small price for pay for the endless joy my kids bring me. But I don't think I realized it would go on for so long. I left losing "some sleep" in the dust months ago. I am currently bordering on losing all sleep and comprehending all too well why the KGB used sleep deprivation to beat prisoners into submission. I certainly feel beaten. The worst thing is, I don't feel like I can complain much. I brought this on myself. It was my idea. I thought it would be fun. And it usually is fun. But it is hard to enjoy my kids when I am so tired I can't think straight. Or when one of them is likewise tired and not being particularly enjoyable.
I have it in my head that it is better to have my kids and be miserable than not have them at all. That I am lucky to be miserable. Even in my sleep-deprived state I see the irony. I don't, unfortunately, see an end in sight. I know years from now this will fade from memory. And I certainly don't want to wish this time away. I love my kids. I also would love some sleep. It makes me sad that the two are mutually exclusive at present. I know it will get better. It has to.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Stars
Last night I was out late watering my garden and I couldn't believe how many stars there were. I used to spend a lot of time looking at stars, wishing on stars. I remember many a night spent with one or both of my parents in our hot tub, my neck craned to search the dark sky for satellites or the rare but breathtaking shooting star. It was always so much more exciting when two of us spotted the same one. I don't think I could have articulated it at the time, but shooting stars, and many things in life, seem even more beautiful when shared. I would try to come up with especially important wishes for shooting stars, sure that they were more likely to come true. But I was happy to wish on regular stars in the meantime. I'd try to go outside with blinders on so that I only saw one star and could wish on it and truthfully say "first star I see tonight" even if there happened to be a dozen stars already visible. What a nut I was. Am. I still wish on stars occasionally. I find prayer more helpful, but wishing has its place in the world, too.
I wonder when I stopped making a point to watch the stars. When I started college, got busy with life? I am not sure, but I know it's been a while since I really stopped and looked. Last night there were so many stars it made me sorry I haven't noticed for so long. It is nearly a full moon so the sky is especially bright right now. I wished my daughter could see but of course I was not foolish enough to wake her up! She has had a fascination with the night sky lately and has been getting up in the middle of the night to peer out her window and stargaze. I know this because she tells me, "I counted seven stars last night!" or something similar. I also know this because her blinds are all askew in the morning. I can't tell her not to do it because she doesn't bother anyone. She thinks stars are beautiful and magical and who am I to discourage her from counting them or wishing on them? I taught her the "Star light, star bright" poem and her version is not quite right but very endearing. She wished one night for a scooter and not three days later did her friend Mitchell pass on his scooter to her when he couldn't take it to his new home. Coincidence? I think not!
So tonight after bath, I was very glad when I remembered the full moon and the starry sky and how much I knew she'd enjoy it. We spread out a blanket and stargazed for nearly an hour. I pointed out what I thought was Mars. She pointed out what she thought were all the other planets. And she counted stars. I think she got up to 37. She said there were probably a hundred. I told her probably a hundred million, though I realize that concept is a few years away from her grasp. She also had the idea to make letters with our bodies and I was surprised how good she was at this! The two of us parallel with my arms touching her made an H. If she laid perpendicular to me at my head, it made a T. And we did O and A and R and P and B. I never would have thought to do this with her and I love that she has such a good imagination. She is already so smart. I kept looking at her, at the adorable cheeks, the wide eyes, the wonder written all over her beautiful face, and felt like my heart might burst. Sometimes I can't believe she is really ours.
I hesitate to use the word perfect, but tonight came close. Being with my girl (and my husband, who was so tired he fell asleep next to us on the deck) appreciating the stars, the trees framing the night sky, the house where we have this amazing view, is about as good as it gets. I thank God for moments like this, when I am reminded of how much I have. Life is definitely more beautiful when shared.
I wonder when I stopped making a point to watch the stars. When I started college, got busy with life? I am not sure, but I know it's been a while since I really stopped and looked. Last night there were so many stars it made me sorry I haven't noticed for so long. It is nearly a full moon so the sky is especially bright right now. I wished my daughter could see but of course I was not foolish enough to wake her up! She has had a fascination with the night sky lately and has been getting up in the middle of the night to peer out her window and stargaze. I know this because she tells me, "I counted seven stars last night!" or something similar. I also know this because her blinds are all askew in the morning. I can't tell her not to do it because she doesn't bother anyone. She thinks stars are beautiful and magical and who am I to discourage her from counting them or wishing on them? I taught her the "Star light, star bright" poem and her version is not quite right but very endearing. She wished one night for a scooter and not three days later did her friend Mitchell pass on his scooter to her when he couldn't take it to his new home. Coincidence? I think not!
So tonight after bath, I was very glad when I remembered the full moon and the starry sky and how much I knew she'd enjoy it. We spread out a blanket and stargazed for nearly an hour. I pointed out what I thought was Mars. She pointed out what she thought were all the other planets. And she counted stars. I think she got up to 37. She said there were probably a hundred. I told her probably a hundred million, though I realize that concept is a few years away from her grasp. She also had the idea to make letters with our bodies and I was surprised how good she was at this! The two of us parallel with my arms touching her made an H. If she laid perpendicular to me at my head, it made a T. And we did O and A and R and P and B. I never would have thought to do this with her and I love that she has such a good imagination. She is already so smart. I kept looking at her, at the adorable cheeks, the wide eyes, the wonder written all over her beautiful face, and felt like my heart might burst. Sometimes I can't believe she is really ours.
I hesitate to use the word perfect, but tonight came close. Being with my girl (and my husband, who was so tired he fell asleep next to us on the deck) appreciating the stars, the trees framing the night sky, the house where we have this amazing view, is about as good as it gets. I thank God for moments like this, when I am reminded of how much I have. Life is definitely more beautiful when shared.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Just a stay-at-home mom
Someone said this to me today, an old friend (former coworker) who was visiting. So you're just a stay-at-home mom. It wasn't a question, but a statement. I said we stay as busy as we want to and have a very active social life between the MOMS Club and preschool. It sounded lame as the words came out of my mouth and I didn't care, didn't bother to explain it is the best job in the world and everyone should be so lucky. She is someone who has always worked and always had to work, as far as I understand. I thought, maybe she is saying it with some envy, wondering what her life would have been like, what she would be like now, if she had been able to stay home with her child. Or maybe she was saying it with pity, with distaste, wondering how I can be wasting my life and my master's degree. I didn't press the subject.
I consider the joy of being a full-time mom to be a well-kept secret. I don't really want the world to know how amazing it is. Kind of like my life, I would like my job to stay under the radar. It is one of those things you can't understand until you experience it. And there are plenty of moms who do NOT enjoy staying home with their kids and don't understand how anyone could like it. There are days when I have wanted to go back to work just to get a break, but most days I am fully aware how good I have it. I really can't relate to someone who doesn't enjoy the job that gives me the greatest satisfaction I have ever had. It is a debate in which I don't want to engage.
Just a stay-at-home mom. I've been trying to come up with a parallel. Like saying oh, you're just the CEO of Microsoft. You're just the president of the United States. Okay, okay. I realize that isn't quite the same thing. But nonetheless I feel I have one of the most important jobs in the world. In some ways I am sorry that moms like me don't get the respect we deserve. But as I said, I consider it to be a well-kept secret. Let "them" think it's a mindless, thankless job. I know the truth, and that is all that matters.
I consider the joy of being a full-time mom to be a well-kept secret. I don't really want the world to know how amazing it is. Kind of like my life, I would like my job to stay under the radar. It is one of those things you can't understand until you experience it. And there are plenty of moms who do NOT enjoy staying home with their kids and don't understand how anyone could like it. There are days when I have wanted to go back to work just to get a break, but most days I am fully aware how good I have it. I really can't relate to someone who doesn't enjoy the job that gives me the greatest satisfaction I have ever had. It is a debate in which I don't want to engage.
Just a stay-at-home mom. I've been trying to come up with a parallel. Like saying oh, you're just the CEO of Microsoft. You're just the president of the United States. Okay, okay. I realize that isn't quite the same thing. But nonetheless I feel I have one of the most important jobs in the world. In some ways I am sorry that moms like me don't get the respect we deserve. But as I said, I consider it to be a well-kept secret. Let "them" think it's a mindless, thankless job. I know the truth, and that is all that matters.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Fear and Steel Magnolias
I have a ridiculous notion held on from childhood that if I don't speak about bad things, they won't happen. I am even too superstitious to write about some of them, though I have touched on a few fears here.
My solution to this is to pray. And pray and pray. I am beginning to feel a little bit like Annelle from Steel Magnolias, who took her faith a little too far, stopping to pray every other minute over something or other and raising the eyebrows of the other ladies. You have to have seen the movie. She got over it, was able to have faith in God and not be overly, what, prayerful? But I understand that feeling, that I can somehow protect my family and myself if I just pray hard enough. I guess it is better to pray too much than to live in fear. Sometimes I manage to do a little of both. I am a work in progress. A good friend lent me a book about faith and I am hoping it will help me to sort out some of my feelings. Perhaps someday I can write about that. I should be outside working but it is pouring rain, so maybe I should sit down with my book (and tune out Barney singing in the background).
Note: I really don't mind Barney, and I especially don't mind the little cutie who is clapping along. I truly am blessed.
My solution to this is to pray. And pray and pray. I am beginning to feel a little bit like Annelle from Steel Magnolias, who took her faith a little too far, stopping to pray every other minute over something or other and raising the eyebrows of the other ladies. You have to have seen the movie. She got over it, was able to have faith in God and not be overly, what, prayerful? But I understand that feeling, that I can somehow protect my family and myself if I just pray hard enough. I guess it is better to pray too much than to live in fear. Sometimes I manage to do a little of both. I am a work in progress. A good friend lent me a book about faith and I am hoping it will help me to sort out some of my feelings. Perhaps someday I can write about that. I should be outside working but it is pouring rain, so maybe I should sit down with my book (and tune out Barney singing in the background).
Note: I really don't mind Barney, and I especially don't mind the little cutie who is clapping along. I truly am blessed.
Next will be the bomb shelter
I wrote before about how I have a hard time enjoying life when things are going well. A second facet of this is that when we have money in the bank I feel the need to stock up on things, JUST IN CASE. Part of this might be genetic. My aunt was great about buying things in bulk so she'd have them when she needed them. My grandparents took this to a whole other level. They had a whole garage filled with things JUST IN CASE. Now later on we found out this is a symptom of Alzheimer's, which my grandma developed. We didn't put the facts together at the time. But being prepared is not a bad thing. My aunt also was good about using coupons and sales to stock up, and I do that, too. She was such a good role model in so many ways. I should write about her another day. She was an amazing person.
Right now I am doing a lot of home improvement projects, rather than stocking up on stuff, because I want to make sure they get done while the funds are there. I have an urgency about it, even though there is no reason for me to be in such a rush. It is the what-ifs that make me want to get everything done NOW. Again, in the long run especially this is not a bad thing. But the amount of nervous energy I have is incredible.
Then I worry a teeny, tiny bit that what if this energy is actually mania. My sister has bipolar disorder and some components are genetic. Even though we don't know anyone else in the family who has it, I could be next. Logically I know that is unlikely. But it is still in the back of my mind.
Calgon, take me away!! The upside of the nervous energy is I am getting a lot done and I have very little appetite so I am not mindlessly snacking the day away. But the nervous energy will come to an end soon, I am sure. I just hope not until the garden projects are done. I need all the energy I can get for that!
Right now I am doing a lot of home improvement projects, rather than stocking up on stuff, because I want to make sure they get done while the funds are there. I have an urgency about it, even though there is no reason for me to be in such a rush. It is the what-ifs that make me want to get everything done NOW. Again, in the long run especially this is not a bad thing. But the amount of nervous energy I have is incredible.
Then I worry a teeny, tiny bit that what if this energy is actually mania. My sister has bipolar disorder and some components are genetic. Even though we don't know anyone else in the family who has it, I could be next. Logically I know that is unlikely. But it is still in the back of my mind.
Calgon, take me away!! The upside of the nervous energy is I am getting a lot done and I have very little appetite so I am not mindlessly snacking the day away. But the nervous energy will come to an end soon, I am sure. I just hope not until the garden projects are done. I need all the energy I can get for that!
Friday, August 22, 2008
Thursday, August 21, 2008
This is Your Life
I keep hearing that in my head. Is it from a tv show or movie? I can't remember.
Sometimes I sit in amazement when I realize this is it. All of my young life I wondered what it would be like to be married and have a family and now I am living it. It is not quite what I expected but for the most part is better than I imagined. My kids, while sometimes aggravating, are the most fascinating thing I have ever known. Just watching them, listening to them and interacting with them is so amazing. I am still in awe that they are mine, that I made them (with a little help from my husband and God, mind you). I suppose some people would be bored to tears by the endless household chores, the getting dressed and undressed, the many meals, the diapers. But I truly love it. When I am rocking my baby, I often think to myself, This is the best job I've ever had. And I know it is the best job I will ever have. Teaching other people's children is rewarding, certainly, and I do still hope to someday get paid to write. But there is no job I can think of as meaningful or enjoyable as being Mama. Being a wife is a close second, though. This is my life. How lucky.
Sometimes I sit in amazement when I realize this is it. All of my young life I wondered what it would be like to be married and have a family and now I am living it. It is not quite what I expected but for the most part is better than I imagined. My kids, while sometimes aggravating, are the most fascinating thing I have ever known. Just watching them, listening to them and interacting with them is so amazing. I am still in awe that they are mine, that I made them (with a little help from my husband and God, mind you). I suppose some people would be bored to tears by the endless household chores, the getting dressed and undressed, the many meals, the diapers. But I truly love it. When I am rocking my baby, I often think to myself, This is the best job I've ever had. And I know it is the best job I will ever have. Teaching other people's children is rewarding, certainly, and I do still hope to someday get paid to write. But there is no job I can think of as meaningful or enjoyable as being Mama. Being a wife is a close second, though. This is my life. How lucky.
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