Self-inflicted torture

I have read that prisoners of war were tortured by being kept awake for days on end. It is psychological torture, one that doesn't leave physical marks and thus can be denied. And it is very effective. One's will can be broken after just a few days. As one POW described it, the need for sleep is incomparable, more powerful than even hunger or thirst.

So why would someone sign up for such torture? That is what I am currently asking myself. I knew I would lose some sleep after becoming a parent. It is a small price for pay for the endless joy my kids bring me. But I don't think I realized it would go on for so long. I left losing "some sleep" in the dust months ago. I am currently bordering on losing all sleep and comprehending all too well why the KGB used sleep deprivation to beat prisoners into submission. I certainly feel beaten. The worst thing is, I don't feel like I can complain much. I brought this on myself. It was my idea. I thought it would be fun. And it usually is fun. But it is hard to enjoy my kids when I am so tired I can't think straight. Or when one of them is likewise tired and not being particularly enjoyable.

I have it in my head that it is better to have my kids and be miserable than not have them at all. That I am lucky to be miserable. Even in my sleep-deprived state I see the irony. I don't, unfortunately, see an end in sight. I know years from now this will fade from memory. And I certainly don't want to wish this time away. I love my kids. I also would love some sleep. It makes me sad that the two are mutually exclusive at present. I know it will get better. It has to.

Stars

Last night I was out late watering my garden and I couldn't believe how many stars there were. I used to spend a lot of time looking at stars, wishing on stars. I remember many a night spent with one or both of my parents in our hot tub, my neck craned to search the dark sky for satellites or the rare but breathtaking shooting star. It was always so much more exciting when two of us spotted the same one. I don't think I could have articulated it at the time, but shooting stars, and many things in life, seem even more beautiful when shared. I would try to come up with especially important wishes for shooting stars, sure that they were more likely to come true. But I was happy to wish on regular stars in the meantime. I'd try to go outside with blinders on so that I only saw one star and could wish on it and truthfully say "first star I see tonight" even if there happened to be a dozen stars already visible. What a nut I was. Am. I still wish on stars occasionally. I find prayer more helpful, but wishing has its place in the world, too.

I wonder when I stopped making a point to watch the stars. When I started college, got busy with life? I am not sure, but I know it's been a while since I really stopped and looked. Last night there were so many stars it made me sorry I haven't noticed for so long. It is nearly a full moon so the sky is especially bright right now. I wished my daughter could see but of course I was not foolish enough to wake her up! She has had a fascination with the night sky lately and has been getting up in the middle of the night to peer out her window and stargaze. I know this because she tells me, "I counted seven stars last night!" or something similar. I also know this because her blinds are all askew in the morning. I can't tell her not to do it because she doesn't bother anyone. She thinks stars are beautiful and magical and who am I to discourage her from counting them or wishing on them? I taught her the "Star light, star bright" poem and her version is not quite right but very endearing. She wished one night for a scooter and not three days later did her friend Mitchell pass on his scooter to her when he couldn't take it to his new home. Coincidence? I think not!

So tonight after bath, I was very glad when I remembered the full moon and the starry sky and how much I knew she'd enjoy it. We spread out a blanket and stargazed for nearly an hour. I pointed out what I thought was Mars. She pointed out what she thought were all the other planets. And she counted stars. I think she got up to 37. She said there were probably a hundred. I told her probably a hundred million, though I realize that concept is a few years away from her grasp. She also had the idea to make letters with our bodies and I was surprised how good she was at this! The two of us parallel with my arms touching her made an H. If she laid perpendicular to me at my head, it made a T. And we did O and A and R and P and B. I never would have thought to do this with her and I love that she has such a good imagination. She is already so smart. I kept looking at her, at the adorable cheeks, the wide eyes, the wonder written all over her beautiful face, and felt like my heart might burst. Sometimes I can't believe she is really ours.

I hesitate to use the word perfect, but tonight came close. Being with my girl (and my husband, who was so tired he fell asleep next to us on the deck) appreciating the stars, the trees framing the night sky, the house where we have this amazing view, is about as good as it gets. I thank God for moments like this, when I am reminded of how much I have. Life is definitely more beautiful when shared.