What happened to me?

When I had just one kid I got so much more done. I'd put her to bed and then get started on the next remodeling project. Now there is so much to do and so little getting done. I know how to break a task into parts so it isn't overwhelming, yet I instead of doing one bit at a time I am doing nothing. Nothing. Well, not nothing, but nothing to further my projects, such as painting the bathroom. Instead I am doing household things or playing with the kids or wasting time on the computer. I could take a hiatus from the internet (but not email, because I am responsible for certain tasks and also email is sometimes my lifeline to the outside world). I have done this before, but I don't think I got more done. And then I end up feeling resentful, like a child who's told she can't play until she does her chores, and I still don't end up accomplishing much.

Why? That is what I am trying to figure out. Why not? Certainly I am more tired with two kids. I think that is legitimately part of it. But I also seem to care less in general. I don't care about my appearance as much as a used to. I haven't been to the gym in 2.5 years (the same time since my youngest was born). I don't care as much about the state of my house, either. Although that sometimes backfires and I become very stressed out by the disorder. My house is never that bad, but it certainly is not what it used to be.

So why do I care less? Is there something I care more about that is taking over? My kids, of course. But it seems like I should be able to do both. Not do it all, but do more than I am currently doing. Then I worry, what if my lack of motivation is related to depression? That worries me. I don't know the answer to any of these questions but, though I try to push it out of my mind and just get through the day, the what ifs worry me.

For better or worse

I am very discouraged and unmotivated right now and feel like I could cry. There is nothing major wrong, but life is disorganized and I don't see it getting more organized anytime soon. I have so much to do but I am lacking both time and energy. Whatever energy I had a month ago when I was getting a lot accomplished outside is GONE. So I am searching for inspiration, but halfheartedly. I really would just like to sleep. Yet I keep staying up late working on the computer (some on valid projects, some just wasting time). It goes back to the problem of knowing what I need to do, yet still not doing it.

So anyway, I am essentially feeling sorry for myself today. Then I find out about a friend with a sick child and remember problems other people are dealing with and feel like I should be happy things are not worse. But you know what? I am realizing that telling yourself things could be worse doesn't always make things better. At least, it is not making me feel better today. It just makes me feel selfish and whiny for being sorry for my small problems, not grateful I don't have bigger problems.

How to fix this? I don't know, but I damn well better figure it out soon.